Bij jou wil ik zo zijn, zo niet zijn

Wel eens, soms te vaak na elkaar, rijd ik langs jouw stad. Ik denk aan jou en kan het niet laten je een berichtje te sturen. Dat is ok, want ondanks alles hebben we een understanding. Ik ga nog steeds te snel, en een toekomst hebben wij niet eens maar o man, wat een man. De gedachte aan jouw haar doet me beven op mijn benen, een zucht ontsnapt & mijn hart maakt een sprong. Voor altijd verliefd en ergens hoop ik op een verzoening die nooit zal komen. Te nuchter ben jij die alles voelt en daar tegenover sta ik met mijn liefde die ik veel te veel te geven heb. Bij jou wil ik zijn, zo niet zijn.

Voor altijd verliefd

Een gedachte aan jou maakt me warm van binnen. De herinnering aan je haar, je ogen en hoe deze mij aankeken vanaf onze eerste ontmoeting doet mij smelten. Je geur, hoe je voelt en hoe je kust. De intensiteit, de passie en hoe je me snapt of juist niet.
Ik laat me leiden door gevoel want van ratio is simpelweg geen sprake.
De spanning als ik met je contact leg door de telefoon is voor iedereen voelbaar. Ons contact is complex. Als ik over je praat probeer ik dit neutraal te doen maar de woorden die ik kies verraden zich door hun betekenis.
Je lijkt degene bij wie ik moet zijn. Dat is voor iedereen duidelijk.

Maar toch zijn we niet samen.
Ik voel dat dit wel zo zou moeten zijn, maar de realiteit is anders. Vaak komt dit door 1 partij waardoor de ander met een gebroken hart blijft zitten. Dit keer is het anders. We zijn niet samen omdat wij kiezen niet samen te zijn. Maar lastig is het,soms, voor mij, wel.

Een tweestrijd van gedachtes die toch wel wekelijks voorbij schieten. Het voelt niet goed, maar het voelt zo goed. Ik verlang zo naar je, maar wil je niet bij me hebben. Bang. Nog niet eens samen of ik ben al bang je te verliezen. Radeloos. Een grote onrust maakt zich meester en eigenlijk direct verlies ik mezelf in wat ik (voor je) voel.

Een tweede kans is er niet. Dat zorgt voor altijd verliefd. De herinnering blijft samen met het gevoel dat jij wellicht die ene kan zijn. Die ene voor altijd verliefd en die ene voor altijd met pijn in mijn hart. Tot die dag..

Ik sluit mijn ogen en denk je hier bij mij. In je armen lig ik met gesloten ogen. Je streelt mijn haar en ik voel je warme lichaam. Jouw zoete geur en veiligheid. We zijn samen. Dit moment mag niet overgaan. Niet.
Mijn oogleden zijn zwaar maar openen zich toch en als een zeepbel is het moment voorbij.
Mijn hart zit vol met emoties die zich verspreiden door mijn lichaam. In mijn billen, mijn rug en vingers.

Ik lig op de bank. Alleen. En voor altijd verliefd.

Daily feed aan cuteness

Echt te cute. Als ik een kind krijg later, neem ik er ook een hond bij want hier word je toch blij van?! <3 Puppylove

Puppylove part II

Meervoud

Ik bedenk me ineens dat de woorden thee en koffie geen meervoud kennen. #openbaring
Hoe langer ik er over nadenk, des te meer woorden het ontbreekt aan een meervoudsvorm. Wat blijft de Nederlandse taal een ingewikkelde en vreemde taal. En ja, ik ben Nederlandse 🙂

Zonder rem

Als eerst vroeg ik jou om mij met rust te laten. Niet omdat ik je niet zag zitten, maar omdat dit niet het moment is. Toch deed je dit niet. En nu laat je me helemaal niet meer met rust. In mijn hoofd, mijn lichaam – je zit overal. De mooiste man die ik ken..
Sinds kort ken ik je iets beter, weet ik waar je woont en wat je de afgelopen tijd meemaakte (en nog steeds).
Gelukkig maken gaan we elkaar niet. Niet nu. Sterker nog, sinds een week ben ik onrustig en boos en dit heeft zeker een verband met jou. Je bent manipulatief en doet me pijn en daarom stop ik het meteen. Toch zal ik je niet vergeten & hoop ik dat onze wegen kruisen, bijv. op een technofeestje. En hoop ik (niet teveel) op een intens weerzien. Eentje zonder rem. En dan weet jij wat ik bedoel.

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